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Dear friends,

The strangest thing: my little patch of flowers on the right side of my house has re-flowered. New flowers came up from the green stalks I thought had had it. I write tonight to say I’m off for a week’s holiday to Inverness, Scotland. I spent much of today reading carefully the itinerary, all the things the group is going to do, which to me look so attractive (visits to neolithic sites, castles, country houses, crofters, a forest, woodlands, the western shore, lectures on Scottish history, a visit to the Culloden battlefield, and free time too in this “baronial hall” said to have an enormous fireplace, at night story telling, folk songs, my goodness) that I’m in the state of almost looking forward to something.

This will give you an idea of it: just look up on the Internet the named places: there will be a good deal of walking but also mini-buses.

At one point in Austen’s Sense and Sensibility, Mrs Dashwood asks Elinor (somewhat querulously) “Do you never look forward to anything?” (words to this effect). The answer is Mary Crawford’s definition of “never:” “hardly ever.” Part of this is the Road Scholar people have almost convinced me, it’s going to be relatively easy to get there. My part was to pay, get the right documentation, pack the right stuff, and hire a cab to the airport. I did the first step in mid-July (that’s why I have only an Economy seat, not Economy Plus or Prime, I was too late for that), and today gathered steps 2 and 3 and called the cab and the company promises to have said vehicle in front of my house at 3:30 tomorrow.

I’ve had a productive two days too.

After last week’s hellish week. After my major surgery, I had two bouts at the Kaiser form of hospital. Implants are steel plates bored down into bone, and the pain was bad enough, my diet limited enough, and my reaction well on the way to opioid satiety, that by Monday morning I had a whooping case of constipation, which I attempted to reverse so violently, I joined it with a whopping case of diarrhea at the same time. Laura flew low (family joke — she came by car) and got me to Kaiser Tyson’s Corner inside an hour and we were there for 5. I apparently looked terrible; was in a wheelchair and really needed it. Came home having been IV’d and whatever with lots of advice. Needless to say, I never got to NYC. I was better on Tuesday, and the really bad pain subsiding by Thursday, but then I went swimming and looked down at my feet and legs and they didn’t look like my legs and feet. All swollen. My ankles are starting to look like my usual bony things tonight. I called Kaiser and they said I must come in and I drove myself at 3:30 to the same place. What you back? Now they thought maybe I had blood clot — one reaction they said to trauma after operation. I also have a bleeding disorder (too long a story) and when Kaiser wants to admit this, they do. Another 5 hours. This time I had a MRI where I had to let them put this colored stuff in my veins: it’s hot and I felt a new soaring pain. I also had something else which was very noisy. But it was ascertained the swelling was not significant, no dire meaning so they gave me something to de-liquify me, and home I went. They were worried lest I not manage it, but I did.

Glutton for punishment I was off to the dentist Herself at 9 am the following morning and there for 3 hours. She took all the stuff off that she could and did what she often done to removable dentures. Filed them down exquisitely so as to fit my jaw as perfectly as the material will allow. She also cleaned everything out — I had lots of food stuff stuck. I learned how to use a water pik and came home with new soft tooth brushes. I did feel better again and over the next two days the pain began to go, subside to the point only one painkiller every eight hours. On Saturday I had my first glass of wine in a week and a half. I gave in to myself and if I am to eat vegetables I decided I must return to what I liked as a kid: canned vegetables. I’ll never cook fresh vegetables and I don’t like the fancy frozen dinners. Also fruit in cans. Del Monte. And pound cake as it’s cheap, and goes down easily.

Saturday morning I was at the Farmer’s Market and finally had the luck to find the people who run a second organic farm. I will not participate in the abuse/torture of pigs, chickens or sheep (nor loading them with antibiotics since they get so sick from the cruelty and ruthless imprisonment). Saturday night my friend Vivian and I went for a happy walk in the evening in old Town. We had a good time. It had been cooler and the town was filled with people, street performers, she and I had ice creams. We sat and walked by the Potomac.

Sunday Izzy and I prepared for her week alone, I read away some more in the afternoon, and then the two productive writing days. I managed the first four pages of my paper on Charlotte Smith’s Ethelinde and truly returned to Winston Graham — reading another of his darkly pessimistic, semi-misogynistic contemporary novels, this one the remarkable, Angell, Pearl and Little God (almost filmed with Marlon Brando and Dustin Hoffman in the hard male roles) that remind me of sordid nature of humanity that fills Lolita — genuinely a book of its decade. It is supremely ironic that PBS runs mini-series set in the 1950s on the supposition this was an innocent naive era. The heroine, Pearl, is a version of Elizabeth Chynoweth from the Poldark novels; the same personality type as shaped with behaviors allowed in the 1950s as opposed to the 18th century. I can hear Jill Townsend’s tones (she played the part very well) as I read the book:


An early cover

There’s even a rape scene which reads like a frank version of what Graham pulled his punches on in Warleggan. In fact I counted four rape scenes between LG (a boxer, Godfrey Brown, renamed Vosper after an older wealthy women he discovers he loves) and Pearl (from my heart I detest this stuff and know why women write most perceptively on the POTUS moron, see Emily Nussbaum & Rebecca Solnit & Amy Goodman & Judy Woodruff, not to omit Emma Lazarus and our lady statue of liberty). I suppose the lesson at the end of the book is one cannot buy another human being: most of them won’t be grateful and Angell (what an ironic name, an older heavy, successful solicitor, and art collector, gourmet, reader) is not in for a happy life. His Pearl will carry on being unfaithful — having learned some unexpected lessons in the upper class world. LG (a Stanley Kowalski type) thought he could win out in the world by sheer bullying, beating other people up and discovered it’s not so, well not so if you lack money and rank (very important and he’s got none). It’d never be made in its present form today: too hard. To me the irony is several iconic American actors of the 1940s are appropriate (say in They Drive by Night). But I know Graham’s novels did very well in the US. Hitchcock chose astutely (I refer to the film Marnie). Today male movies tend to be silly fantasy or even sillier action-adventure (which are optimistic finally), but I never went to the kind of movie Scorsese used to make (e.g., Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Cape Fear). Maybe I ought to read In a Lonely Place by Dorothy Hughes — one of these sorts of books written by a woman, eventually a film featuring Boghart.

All three believable human beings. Alas. I’ve now read 9 of 17 of these books in print – that doesn’t include first versions of some of them from the 1930s (I do not mean to read these but read about the revisions). He revised a lot (like many writers who succeed, he was a writing machine) and first versions of numbers of his novels (including a much longer first version of Ross Poldark and Demelza have been repressed). I’m also well into his historical novel set in Cornwall in the 16th century, Groves of Eagles.

The good news includes my now having a firm list of libraries which contain this man’s papers and getting into happy contact with the copyright holder once again as well as now having hope of an agent or editor. If I am to try to do research in the BBC archives (long a dream of mine, since I was doing my book on “The Jane Austen film canon,” or “The Sense and Sensibility films: a Place of Refuge), I have to have a commision for a book. I long to read some of the original scripts they have for the first Poldark mini-series; and The Forgotten Story (a 1983 mini-series whose videotape seems to have disappeared).

I worry my ipad won’t work but I’m taking adapters, plugs, the right wires, and hope to read books now downloaded into this flat machine. I can’t carry the books so have downloaded Scott’s Staying On and the first two books of the Raj Quartet, Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall and Bring Up the Bodies (for the teaching) plus for pleasure some Virginia Woolf (e.g., The Years). I can bring one bag to stowe away and one carry on and will have little room for literal books. I am bringing three just in case the ipad defeats me. I worked today seeing if I could use it for gmail, face-book, twitter, and network browsing. It’s temperamental and sometimes works — if I persist. I have international phone service. So I hope not to feel too far away from home, which would frighten me.

I will miss my pussycats and they will miss me. Also my daughter.


My beloved pal, Clarycat — she was missing us here

Saw Dunkirk with a friend; don’t miss it, and I did begin to buy concerts, plays and some HD-screening of good films (filmed plays from the UK) this weekend for the fall, and when I get back will perhaps register for a course at one of the OLLIs where I’ll be teaching starting in mid- or later September: 19th century Women of Letters in one place (which I taught last fall in the other place but with slightly different books), and in the other, the same Booker Prize course I taught this past spring (ditto). I rejoiced it was cooler these two days and the sun comes up later and goes to bed earlier. Vowed to renew my women artists series, stirred by Maudie.

I am living a very different life now than the one I had with Jim. Not the core: the core is the same when it comes to what matters most or is central. And when I am feeling sad desolate again I think how I’d much prefer or would be so content to go instead for a week or once a couple of weeks (with our daughters) with him to Maine or Vermont or northern New York as we used to do several years ago and swim in lakes and see a couple of plays and operas. But I can’t have that any more. I must resort to the kindness of strangers, one hopes pleasant companionship of acquaintances on a package tour.

And now I’ll subside to the fourth book I bought (12 were cited as very good) as preparation reading: John Prebble’s classic Culloden: it’s not a history of ’45, or the prince’s wanderings, but the story of the people involved in that last rising, often against their will.


Detail from An Incident in the Rebellion of 1745 by David Morier (174) — on the cover

Then began a sickness which ended in emptying the Highlands, Prebble’s second book, The Highland Clearances, a ruthless imposed diaspora (by wealthy and powerful Scots as well as the English), which I finished late the other night. I’m still reading superb books on animals, and a second of three I’m taking with me is Donna J. Haraway’s When Species Meet, a third Grahan’s The Angry Tide (not yet available in the ilibrary store). So many people are writing on Anne Bronte, I don’t know which book to take! Samantha Ellis’s Take Courage: Anne Bronte and the Art of Life (the real feminist of the family) sent me by a kind friend.

So off to the dream world of Outlander — but now made real, with lectures on the environment …


Opening sequence of Claire Randall (Caitriona Balfe) on her honeymoon, Inverness in fall (late October/early November)

Miss Drake

I wish there were no such things as Teeth in the World; they are nothing but plagues to one, and I dare say that People might easily invent something to eat with instead of them. —Jane Austen, Catherine, or the Bower

Friends,

Can you imagine yourself being surprized to discover you have had major surgery. That’s my case. Not until the ordeal was almost over did I realize that was what had happened, and not until today, the fourth day afterward and I still have strong pain in my lower jaw and gum, and can’t eat most foods, what major surgery brings on one. I have had major surgery voluntarily three times: all three (of four such volunteering) I have had a hemmorhage (twice vast). Maybe I missed it because the knives (tools they are called) were not aimed at any central body organ or vein, but my mouth.

Gentle reader on Wednesday I had 4 implants planted in my lower gum — implants are thin pieces of metal, two different kinds melded onto a structure that from a x-ray looks like the bottoms of my teeth used to when X-rayed. You might recall I said I had had an abscess in one of my three remaining teeth on the bottom of my jaw, that the one near it became infected, and the one left (poor lonely calcium) could not support my partial denture any more. That I decided I want teeth in my mouth, tired of dentures coming away, not quite fitting, the horrible tasting “adhesive glue-cement.” Well I arrived at my dentist at 9 — I shall call her Veronica Archer. She had said she was cancelling all her other appointments, but I didn’t realize or didn’t think that meant this ordeal (as I began to call it by noon) would go on all day. It took from around 9:15 am when we started, until around 4 pm, with one hour off when one of her three assistants was preparing the denture. Basically she has built me a new jaw. The morning was drilling long holes in my bone in my mouth, and then inserting these pieces of metal, and then on top of them screwable buttons. The insertions had to be done three times to get it right. She then sewed my all over the bottom mouth, everything tucked in. I needed more anesthesia for that; I’d already had two full bouts.

Time out a bit as my legs began to go into spasms.

She had two assistants for this first phase, one was guiding her, someone sent from the company who sells all the material. I am the first patient Dr Archer has done this operation too. She was learning on me. Hitherto she had done say two implants, but never the whole jaw. I didn’t know that. I knew she has a certificate as a dentist and that she puts implants in and does other surgery (root canals, crowns, whatever). She never refers me anywhere; she does everything. Then her assistant from Ohio, also a dentist but specializing in implants. He does nothing but implant over and over — Abdul Gawande says this is the kind of person you want doing a particular procedure, someone who does it as his central trade. put four tiny screws in and then he worked at fitting the actual denture. At that point we took an hour off. The dentist took me out to lunch and I had a bit of pasta but couldn’t eat it really.

Then back for 2 hours to get the screws and denture to fit one another.

Dr Archer is a young black woman of around 43, and there are probably more black people coming there than white. It’s a toss-up; many Asian people. Not so many hispanics, probably because of the expense. I like her and for 10 years now have been more or less satisfied with her work — Jim (I admit) was thinking of switching dentists before he became so mortally ill; he hated the blaring TV in the front but I can’t remember any other complaints. She is Kaiser dentist, which means she agrees to give me a discount and Kaiser pays part of a bill according to a published schedule of prices, and she is much cheaper than “outside patients,” even if you have dental insurance. I can through Kaiser get supplemental dental insurance, but I have not done that. I did go for two other opinions to see if what she proposed was not crazy — there was something in me that thought what we did on Wednesday, 7/26 crazy. One very expensive DC doctor said to be “the best” and things like that (he’s expensive, and a Trollope says, people are impressed by those who charge high and are said to be very good); he was thorough and articulate and said it is what some dentists do and he said he charged ballpark $45,000 for this, not including everything. She charged $19,000 for everything. I also went to Izzy’s doctor who is a Kaiser man — it was he Jim wanted to switch too. He said that he might have done it slower; two one week and two the next and then a final day for dentures. But I did have the Scottish trip coming up and there is a brand of thought that one should do it all at once because this way all the implants are in the right spot. What was happening in the afternoon was this guy was making sure all the implants were centered in the right spot and that’s why he put the denture on because that showed the implants were all in the right place.

Beginning sometime the next morning I have been in bad pain on and off, sometimes it’s as if the denture is too tight (pressure), sometimes burning (some of my gum tissue is raw — Dr Archer showed me that on one of computer mirrors), sometimes indescribable. So I’ve been taking pills, trouble is they make me woozy, unsteady on my feet. I’ve had two night of 9 hour sleep, unheard-of for me most of the time. If I stop for 7 hours say, then I am driven to have all four at once. Better option: take one of them every 3 hours.

I can eat only a limited kind of food. No acid, not even prune juice, or a fresh tomato or peach. They burn. I can eat pasta and eggs, drink tea after it’s cooled off. Honey graham crackers bananas, quiches. I keep biting my tongue. I am most worried about this for my Scottish tour. Dr Archer tells me it’s usual to have such pain and it usually takes two weeks before usual diet can re-commence. The tour starts a week and one half from tomorrow; it will be 16 days after this operations. No need to cross fingers, as I will go no matter what – but I feel I should be better by that time.

I have to admit I’m glad the teeth are in, I can see if I was not in pain, that this will be big improvement over my removable denture. I also look better. It’s not the original contour of my face: my high cheekbones fell sometime in my sixties after all the previous dental work and their crowns and so on fell apart. My face dovetailed into an oval. Now the jaw is slightly squarer. She has said (half-kidding) that there is something we can do for the top gum, which would allow a semi-permanent denture too. Implants after some other procedure (an x-ray says I have no bone in my top jaw — gum disease of many years, slowed down by the deep cleaning and pills I once took, but still relentless over the years since Izzy was born — I was around age 38).

One result is I have had to cancel my NYC trip to a friend in Manhattan. I am sorry for this; if I thought this would be well by Monday, I’d go, but instinct tells me that Wednesday maybe I was be out of continual pain (without pills) and able to eat more. I am sleeping an enormous amount for me. The first night 11 hours altogether, and since then 8 hours both nights. Part of this is the painkillers put me to sleep (especially a huge Ibuprofen — dentist did warn me about this one), partly why it’s said babies sleep a lot: it’s a natural restorative, a reaction to stress and helps individuals regain strength (for babies to grow).

Generalizing, age wears many of one’s parts down. Samuel Johnson’s words come to mind:

Year chases Year, Decay pursues Decay,
Still drops some Joy from with’ring Life away…

Also how dentists fleece people, gouge them. It cost me for enclosing my porch, painting the house, including all new electrical work and a beautiful lit ceiling fan, $21,000. It took several different men over 2 and 1/1 weeks to do it. A story in the Washington Post about how the American Dental Association pulls this off: “The Unexpected Political power of Dentists.” One in every four US citizens have lost all their teeth by age 65. For millions regular modern style dental care is out of the reach of their income. I’ve seen middle class types (and receptionists) resentful of those who come with medicaid to have their teeth whitened. What are they not equally in need of acceptability as anyone else? I rescued my boy cat from a life-threatening procedure one veterinarian told me way the only way to clean his teeth: anesthetize him, which means putting a tube down his throat, and other of these high-tech applying force. She said she had only lost one cat in five years. She killed that cat. The cost $495. But I need teeth to eat with and to look minimally socially acceptable.

I know that dentists take pride in their work. The man I went to for years, and who built me a sort of mouth of teeth around the ones I had — 20 year period — did regard himself as a sort of artist. Dr Archer was excited and happy that morning, and assumed I was too. She has looked proud when I said that she had done careful careful good work — she gave me her cell phone in case of emergency. She had a photograph taken of the team, me and her.

I will see my friend in New York City at the EC/ASECS conference (small 18th century regional group) this November and she said we’d do a better job of planning four days in the later spring. I did have a very enjoyable lunch yesterday with a young friend from EC/’ASECS at La Madeleine: I was able to eat the inside of a quiche and drink water; it was not the food but our shared friendship over scholarly she is scholarly) interests. My idea of good fun is good company.

I shall have plenty of time for my projects — I seem ever to end up reading, writing, watching movies, studying.

Miss Drake


Faye Vanderveer — an idealized Alexandria City street

Dear friends,

One should not be astonished either at what people are willing to do to one another nor what they will accept as living conditions. Only a realization that conveniency and self-interest when it comes to economic circumstances conquer all objections can explain how Washington, D.C. has grown to this large metropolis when every summer we have weeks & weeks of weather that is hard to breath in. I’m told not that it’s just as hot in New York City, but that you can be miserable there too — indeed 89 degree with lower 70s humidity is not fun, but it’s still not as deadly as temperatures in high 90s with 81% humidity. That’s what it’s been for over a week now and we are promised temperatures in the 100s this weekend.

I dream of Maine, and look forward to my 10 days in Inverness, Scotland in August. I tell myself if I find I like the Road Scholar program truly, next summer not only will I go to the Lake District in August but if I don’t go on a Jane Austen tour in June (that’s when most of them are), I will find something for a widow with no friends to travel with for June to New England — one of the packages which include many plays. That’s what Jim used to concoct for him and me — with Izzy sometimes. Rent a Landmark house from the 19th century in Vermont, go to a lake for swimming when not on the road to a good play in the Berkshires (including one summer Lillian Hellman’s Summer Garden, other years Stoppard, Turgenev, Shakespeare, Shaw …)

Road, a feminist blog I follow included one of more perceptive essays on “ages of grief” I’ve read. It seemed to be my case: once surrounded by parents, with husband, two daughters, now alone with memories

These days when I read or hear about the death of anyone at any age and think about those who loved them, I have more than a glimmer as to how those left behind might be feeling. One of the many wonders of old age is what happens when your mind encounters sad, perhaps devastating, events. It sweeps over your knowledge of such things, whether personal or through friendships, like a strong breeze passing over a variety of prairie grasses: Big bluestem, salt grass, bottlebrush, porcupine, rice grass, foxtail, timothy, cupgrass, tufted lovegrass, wild rye. You ask, Which one is this? And then comes a moment when a known grief springs up green and fresh. Oh yes, this kind again.

*********************************

Here are the two extraordinary experiences I hope you can reach:

I’m writing to recommend daring the heat — enduring it — and going to the Richmond Museum of Fine Arts or wherever the next place the exhibit of Yves St Laurent’s extraordinary art in dresses, costumes, jewelry, accessories, shoes, hats, headdresses, capes, cloaks, just about everything you can dress a woman in, which art includes the cloth he himself makes a first version of, the weave of each material, the designs and colors of the objects. I am naturally inclined to be sceptical and see “fashion” and “high couture” as commercial art (which it is) aimed at making huge amounts of money from the super-rich. That would take attracting the lowest common denominator in that class’s taste. But that’s not what this man did. Over the course of a long life-time he invented deeply appealing costumes for women. He begins as a homosexual boy making cut-outs (yes dressing paper dolls), which his parents don’t discourage him from.

Quickly he learns to sew, make patterns and his first fashion costumes. His parents were upper middle class people with good connections in Algeria, and before Yves was in his twenties he had a central position in Christian Dior’s firm. He lived a highly unconventional life in Paris, traveling, partying with all the important people in the arts, and so his artistry, talent, and by this time intuitive ability to make costumes that mirrored the spirit of each decade or helped create it brought him within a few years management of the firm when Dior died early unexpectedly. I’d say the exhibit has at least 8 rooms of mannequins which take you through the phases of his career, the different emphases of fashion.

Along the walls one sees his drawings and designs; the items are numbered so you can follow along with a free slender catalogue. There are on-going films of famous fashion shows here and there — like when Laurent broke with the constructed clothing of the 50s


Not that these are not fashioning the self

Or the costume-like fashions of more recent decades..

Within each staged presentation of a kind of fashion, the costumes are arranged to reinforce and contrast with one another. Two huge staged presentations of earring, necklaces, chokers, bracelet jewelry, from the beautifully tasteful to gorgeously bizarre. I was with a friend and we discussed and talked as we went through: we could see he didn’t lived a troubled life (he succumbed to drug addiction for periods).
It was the poetry of fashion. I kept coming across a dress, or full outfit, or cloak I could see myself not only wearing but quietly reveling in.

It was a 2 hour trip by car there — in the broiling heat — we got lost at one point. The museum does have a good cafe (and better restaurant but by the time we got to lunch, well after 3:30 it was closed). Then 2 hours back by car. This museum (like the Brooklyn Academy of Arts), specializes in the unusual so that it draws people to come from all over. A few years ago Jim drove us down to the museum to see a huge exhibit of Picasso’s art. The collection is not big but what they have is well-culled — and this time smaller exhibits (Tiffany art glass).

Then two nights ago I saw at the Folger the RSC Live production of Antony & Cleopatra, from Stratford-upon-Avon. It started slow and in the middle of the first act seemed to drag, but as it move on (it was three full hours, with one brief intermission) the actors playing Antony (Antony Byrne), Cleopatra (Josette Simon), their entourages, her women, his men, Enobarbus were viscerally deeply affecting, engaged. I had read the play as erotic, imagined aging wildly adoring and playful lovers, who cut down, rise to heights of ecstatic poetry. Also that it was a political parable about the effectiveness of cold ambition, hypocrisy, ruthlessness, heartlessness (Caesar). But I had not taken into account how it explores the lives of women (Octavia is not a small part), their relationships with one another. More important I didn’t know it dramatizes defeat at length. Yes it’s about characters who make bad self-sabotaging decisions. As if they wanted to blow away public life. I was so moved by Antony’s speeches berating himself, Cleopatra’s turn to suicide, and all the other characters’ failed attempts to rescue this pair or themselves. It explores the inner anguish of tragedy spread out before us. An black English actress played Cleopatra, and dressed exotically; the older great male actor (I’ve seen him many times before) was self-ripped up loss in dignity. Their costumes terrific; doubtless what would draw S Laurent to go.

***********************

My class at the OLLI at George Mason this summer ended Tuesday around 1:30. All those who stayed the course, and that included nearly 25, said how much they enjoyed the two contrasting historical fictions, DuMaurier’s King’s General and Susan Sontag’s Volcano Lover. They said they loved how I choose books slightly off beaten path. I had found on the Internet a YoutTube of a remarkable lecture on why Sontag wrote and lived the life of a radically activist public intellectual as well as writer, poet, film-maker. I summarized for them the content of this remarkable lecture on Sontag’s work by Savanna Illinger which I here share with you:

Brief high points: Sontag felt literature should advance our understanding of the real, and denounce things which conceal human misery under the cover of sentimentalism. What Mary Wollstonecraft said was the justification for literature (poetry) to extend the sympathetic imagination in Sontag’s words is we have a duty to reveal other people’s true reality, warts and all, and suffering. Very hard because we have a hard time taking the sufferng of another as real. We cannot understand what war or battle is unless we have lived in a war zone. Photographs often constitute a barrier because while they acknowledge what is seen, they offer no understanding of what they picture, no admission of how photos are artificially framed; they promote emotional detachment and thus inauthenticity. For the imaginative contemplating the art work to be a fully ethical experience, you should be moved to translate your empathy into action. Early on, she thought essays, discourse, verse were much better at conveying reality, reason, against sentimentalism; but around time of Volcano Lover and In America, she saw in stories an ability to lead readers to enter into, ponder the lives of others. In the 18th century the significant moment pictured occurred just before or after the trauma; nowadays the deeply traumatic, wildly violent without dignity is what we show to disturb our readers. There is a superb essay on Sontag by A. S. Byatt.

***********************

One good enough experience, and one thrown-away opportunity

With Izzy this past Sunday night I went again to the Kennedy Center. This time to see Cabaret, in the Eisenhower theater in the 2nd balcony where we remembered sitting with Jim for Sondheim many a time, and our last New Year’s Eve together — a group of actors/singers imitated the rock stars of the 1950s, with “Elvis” the chief personality. The terrace was again beautiful, but now too warm to walk much. We’d never seen this famous musical: it is very much mainstream Broadway (or at least this production was), all gussied up and partly disguised by the imitation of German Weimar culture of the 1920s. It was a very humdrum production and I could see through to where its numbers resembled all sorts of others in other mainstream sweet and sentimental musicals. For example, “Money makes the world go round” is the equivalent of “Money doesn’t grow on trees in Oliver Twist. Now I know the context for the different songs: so “What good is sitting alone in your room” is sardonically ironic in context. I knew it was based on stories by Christopher Isherwood with an invented Bohemian heroine, Sally Bowles, who becomes involved with one of your white, blond virtuous American males (as appeared in this production). I had not realized there is a poignant story of an aging German landlady who is frightened out of marrying a deeply tenderly kind aging Jewish tenant. I now know why the musical appeals.’

Tonight I betook myself to the Smithsonian for what looked like a good lecture on George Orwell in the 21st century but most unusually the speaker was dull: Andrew Rubin was very cautious and all qualification, so I wondered who he was worried he was offending. He read his paper without attempting to reach the audience; he was disdainful of said audience too — not that their questions did not show utter misapprehensions, likening ISIS for example to the Republicans in Spain who were for a decent humane secular life — showed real obtuseness. As Rubin said, ISIS is pathological destruction. Read The New Yorker on the destruction of the Mosul library, or irrelevant an about their own identity, such as was Orwell anti-semitic?).


What’s left of the millions of wonderful books, ms’s, art, several heritages found together — now a site filled with landmines

I thought of a question I didn’t get to ask: on surveillance. Winston Smith is famously being watched, monitored, is in danger of being destroyed. Ruben didn’t broach this topic. I wondered what specifically in Orwell’s era was he worried about, and was he ever threatened. He broadcast for the BBC, and perhaps had had his fill of timid and political censorship. Despite this disappointment, I saw in the catalogue the institution has some good lectures on literary (one on a Sylvia Plath exhibit at the National Portrait Gallery in London) and film people coming up (Mingle with Marlene Dietrich), and I’ll try to go in the coming summer evenings.


Susan Herbert

And that’s the news from this Lake Woebegone, where my cats are my good companions and my younger daughter my beloved. Still listening to Gaskell’s Ruth read aloud: what a painful book. Next up: Woolf’s Night and Day.

Miss Drake


The Potomac, photographed by me from the Kennedy Center terrace the night Izzy and I went to the Art Garfunkel concert


Land’s End, a lake in Vermont where in 2006 we came with Izzy and she would swim

Ghosts linger in one place because it contains somebody they love and can no longer have — Anthony Lane, on the just released movie, A Ghost Story

The question of all questions … the question which underlies all others and is more deeply interesting than any other – is the ascertainment of the place which man [and woman] occupy in nature — Thomas Huxley

Friends and readers,

It’s been about 2 weeks since I last wrote a diary entry. My word is how I feel now in this fourth summer without Jim. No one can have done more to root herself, to find and be with friends and acquaintances, to create some sort of meaning and usefulness for myself but I cannot find a replacement within myself or anything I do to make myself feel what before I didn’t have to think about, so much was he central to the very air that supports my body. I don’t know why I do what I do, none of it seems to connect me.

I can tell of a few more experiences snatched in air-conditioned places or brief strolls late in the evening. Izzy and I again went to a concert we both enjoyed, probably I more intensely than she. Last year with Vivian I heard Paul Simon make strikingly effective new and old music at Wolf Trap, so now his old partner (old is true too), Art Garfunkel sang movingly, old songs and rendered new versions of great favorites (from Sondheim, James Taylor, Gershwin), read some of his poetry (he’s publishing an autobiography it seems) for over two hours. He was not at Wolf Trap, but the Kennedy Center and in the concert hall, but the price was low for the Kennedy Center, and I couldn’t resist. I realized by the end he aspires to hymns. As it turned out, we seemed to be surrounded by the usual Wolf Trap crowd who had somehow decamped from Virginia and come to DC. Casually dressed, slightly bohemian, they just didn’t have their picnics and blankets with them.

I’ve gone to lunch with a new friend from the OLLI at Mason (where my class on 18th century historical fiction, old and new-fashioned, DuMaurier’s King’s General and Sontag’s Volcano Lover are going over very well — we are having a good time), seen with her a powerful wonderful film, Maudie, causing me to return to my women artists blogs (an acquire a touching fat biography telling all you could know about Maud Lewis, with her Heart on the Door), and this Friday Panorea and I are going for a one day trip to Richmond to explore the Richmond Art Gallery and have lunch together. I haven’t told her but if we get back in time, I may then betake myself alone to Wolf Trap to hear Tosca whose music Sontag makes brilliant use of in her novel. Last minute, what the hell.


A picture in the Richmond Art Gallery

I’m still planning to visit a friend in New York City, the last day of July, and first four of August, and may meet with a new friend in Gaskell in Pennsylvania Amish country — not yet concrete. I had long good sessions with last week, my therapist, and today (even better) my financial adviser who I spent two hours with today, being reassured and having some good talk. It was a relatively quiet empty day for him, and this is what he is partly paid for. The best — beloved friends on the Net, the correspondences with them —

I’ve not told you the worst of this summer: I’ve lost my last three teeth and have been suffering for three weeks with an ill-fitting denture on the bottom gum I can hardly keep in place to eat. The adhesive tastes awful, sour and hot at once. I wanted to spare myself writing out our “solution” of four implants and a new semi-permanent denture to be installed surgically July 26th, in time for some healing before my Scottish tour. And my visits to two other dentists (one super-expensive in DC) for second and third opinions. I have discovered the deliciousness of lasagna with cheese interwoven: cheese filling, goes down easy. What an old woman with her two loving cats clinging to her, playing by her side I am. My African-American woman dentist (bless her heart) is so excited at this new technology we are using, not just the implants but guided ways of putting them in, and the new easy kinds of wax to make impressions. Sigh. Surely something has gone askew here with medicine — though some would say it’s only old age, an old woman toothless with aging skin and gums and two cats.


To this am I reduced Lasagna with ricotta cheese …

For now what is being done to the US democracy, attempted here on the Internet (which may bring an end to these blogs) is unspeakable (deeply shaming, destructive of us all) if I am to maintain a personal tone of calm.

***************************

Nothing much more to say unless you want to hear of my reading and preparing to write: three books I’m reading towards my Road Scholar tour in August to Inverness, Scotland, the Aigas Field Center:

I’m cheered because all three I picked are good. The first, a history of Scotland, very fat, by Magnus Magnusson: Scotland, the Story of a Nation, on my Irish friend, Rory’s advice, a long-time BBC personality (doing documentaries); he’s a gift for capturing in a familiar anecdote essential feels or truths about phases of history. It’s fast reading — not that I will be able to finish it, but it reminds me of the Cornwall book I read by begnning with geology, pre-history.
    The second is by the “leader” of the tour: John Lister-Kaye, Song of the Rolling Earth. At first I was put off by the flowery language and something too upbeat, but he’s won me over — he’s an interesting thoughtful enlightened serious environmentalist, lover of animals and plants and the earth too, naturalist and this book tells how slowly he came to create and now maintains the Aigas field center. It’s politically aware. This morning I was especially delighted to read his invocation of the earliest history of his Aigas field center — in neolithic and later ages but not into history quite. It’s the third chapter called “the Loftier Ash;’ the next is “the Iron Age Fort,” which it was before becoming a ruin in the 18th century and then a Victorian country house not very well disguised as a castle/fortress: he describes the landscape and especially the creatures and plants then (way back, theoretical projection) and now It ends on a description of two fearsome (poisonous) snakes copulating, which is so beautiful and poetic and yet grounded in scientific observation that I recalled for the first time in years a book I regularly assigned to my Adv Comp in the Natural Science and Tech classes: Loren Eiseley’s The Star-Thrower. I thought no one was writing this way any more: Eiseley combined a deep humanism of which his environmentalism was one arm (and animals rights) with science to produce inspirational passages that — probing meditations on the natural world we are not seeing any more because we won’t or there are only remnants where we live. It’s a measure of how far we’ve come away from deep adherence to true science for sheer commercialism and technology divorced from the natural world that I would have been laughed at and the book cancelled if I had.

    The third a genuine exposure of how the Highlands were emptied of people, the terrible treatment of the Scots by their own Scots leaders as well as the British and various corporations. John Prebble’s The Highland Clearances it’s called. I’ve been trying to find the old 1967 The Cheviot, the Stag and the Black Black Oil on Youtube — a 2 hour rousing interactive performance play which I watched not all that long ago, but alas cannot find it there any more.


An excerpt from Cheviot, Stag, and Black black oil

I believe I’ve spoken of our summer books on the three listservs I join in on. I am enjoying the three film adaptations of Far from the Madding Crowd more than Hardy’s book; I carry on with Virginia Woolf (I’m now thinking next spring at the OLLI at AU maybe I’ll “do” “The Later Woolf: Orlando, The Years, Between the Acts“); we are having themes on Janeites to carry us through the summer and I stay in touch so that I was able to upload on my blog Chris Brindle’s beautiful song for Jane on the 200th anniversary of her death. I have been trying to write the paper on Smith’s Ethelinde and The Emigrants that the conference people wanted from me, but I’ve given it up for now: I find I’m tedious, it just does not come natural to write in this narrow slant on two texts. I’ll try to go back to it, but for now I’ve been reading Winston Graham’s non-Poldark books and soon will try to make sense of them in a blog (thus far The Forgotten Story, The Little Walls, Marnie, The Walking Stick, Greek Fire) and actually forced myself through two Hitchcock (sickening misogynist, a maker of voyeuristic thrills).

But I’ve not yet said, did not tell you I’ve been reading (and now finished) Nick Holland’s new (and it is, an original outlook on her) portrait of Anne Bronte in his In Search of Anne Bronte (I’ve promised a review for the Victorian Web this summer). He has an individual thesis — or so I think — that Anne was hurt badly by Charlotte in a number of ways. Also about her personality — and her religious beliefs (as far more benign and liberal than her sisters). I don’t know enough about what is usually said about her life so I’m going to do a little sleuthing into the other biographies and find a review of a recent volume of essays on Anne Bronte. Then I’ll write it. I’ve known most peace and rejuvenation from this book (and before it Claire Harman’s Charlotte Bronte). It’s maybe when I’m immersed in one of the Scots books or this Bronte reading that I seem to regain some center to my existence and feel my old identity, raison d’etre for remaining alive come back to me.

Two poems by Anne Bronte: she did love someone, William Weightman his name, who predeceased her while yet young too:

Lines written at Thorp Green

O! I am very weary
Though tears no longer flow;
My eyes are tired of weeping,
My heart is sick of woe.
My life is very lonely,
My days pass heavily;
I’m weary of repining,
Wilt thou not come to me?
Oh didst thou know my longings
For thee from day to day,
My hopes so often blighted,
Thou wouldst not thus delay.

To —

I will not mourn thee, lovely one,
Though thou art torn away.
‘Tis said that if the morning sun
Arise with dazzling ray
And shed a bright and burning beam
Athwart the glittering main,
‘Ere noon shall fall that laughing gleam
Engulfed in clouds and rain …
And yet I cannot check my sighs,
Thou wert so young and fair,
More bright than summer morning skies,
But stern death would not spare;
He would not pass our darling by
Nor grant one hour’s delay,
But rudely closed his shining eye
And frowned his smile away.
That angel smile that late so much
Could my fond heart rejoice;
And he has silenced by his touch
The music of thy voice.
I’ll weep no more thine early doom.
But O! I still must mourn
The pleasures buried in thy tomb,
For they will not return …

****************************


Jim during a time in Vermont, the Amos Brown house, perhaps summer 2012 (or 2006)

I know Jim would never have renovated this house; he would not spend the money to make it respectable; he would not himself work hard for no money (maybe he’d take a course at an OLLI, or do an occasional hour); perhaps he would have long ago, sold this house, got rid of half the books, moved back to NYC and start going to older people’s single bars and found a new partner by now.

Some of the most painful moments for me during Jim’s brief mortal illness were when he’d say suddenly I’d find another man and in no time. Finally I said to him, please don’t say that; you have no idea how much it hurts me to hear you say because it could be you think that. How could you think you are replaceable. Don’t you know it’s your unique self I have stayed with, lived by, and loved all these years. And finally he stopped voicing this insecurity. But to tell the candid truth, yes I wish I could find a new partner, not just any one, any male, but someone like him, the dream of Stewart in My Brother Michael (thanks to Mirable Dictu). But I live in a world of women; the men I come across are all “taken,” good people long ago married, and now with children, grandchildren. Those widows, later divorcees who seem to find a partner (it happens) seem to meet someone they knew long ago, or a male who has hung around as a friend for years, a work colleague. Statistics tell me it’s rare for women to form relationship with a new male partner after she has passed 50; for men even common. And I’ve seen why in the eyes of men I do come across who I catch quietly looking at me or who in passing what’s called flirt (at which I’ve ever been very awkward) and rejecting me as too old very swiftly. Of course I’d love a loving genuine friend-partner once more.


Jim, aged 24, our apartment on Columbus Avenue, just off Central Park — how much I’d give to be able to re-live life with Llyr, I know I’d be so much better to her

It is dreadfully hot here, day after day in the high 90s into the 100s in the afternoon. There is an argument for selling up too, moving north, though I daresay the isolation would kill me. I am part of worlds here, have people who help me directly (courteous young males, my IT guy, a Trumpite, my financial adviser who voted for Clinton, even a mechanic who takes my car every time). But I loathe this heat and long for a beach 30 minutes away to escape to of a morning.

As Jim and I once did when we lived in upper Manhattan; Tuesdays and Thursdays early morning we and Llyr our dog (long long dead, and what a grief to me) off to Jones beach with coffee and croissants bought on the way, in 40 minutes there, hardly anyone around but us three. So what I sometimes think Jim would have done in my place is perhaps the selfish (=wise) smart thing. But I cannot do without Izzy nor desert her (she forgot to go to her once a summer pool party this past Sunday so I will return to keeping track of these occasions for and with her), nor Laura.

Dissolve this world away that’s around me? Unmoored already. Why live on? is the sweet air enough on the top of a mountain or in a city near a performing arts center? Maybe it’s my conviction that on the other side of silence is oblivion, endless nothingness and if anything of my body is left it will rot. I do like to read … and write … and watch movies … to be with a friend — and other such like reasons keep me here — as long as I’m safe in my house. Someone asked on face-book what was people’s idea of fun?

Gentle reader, is it any wonder I write few diary entries nowadays. Vedova parlando.

Miss Drake


Autumn Trees — the Maple — either Emily Carr or Georgia O’Keefe

Friends,

ON this day of strong heat (yet another) in Alexandria (Va), when you either go to a pool, or a lake, or the beach or some park, or drive far north into New England, or stay in an air-conditioned house, we are doing the last, and Izzy has recorded another song, this time Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose:”

Kiss From A Rose

There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
Love remained a drug that’s the high and not the pill.

But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large
And the light that you shine can be seen.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.
Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah.
And now that your rose is in bloom.
A light hits the gloom
On the gray.

There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say.
You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain, baby.
To me you’re like a growing addiction that I can’t deny.
Won’t you tell me is that healthy, baby?

But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large
And the light that you shine can be seen.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.
Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah.
Now that your rose is in bloom.
A light hits the gloom
On the gray.

I’ve been kissed by a rose on the gray,
I’ve been kissed by a rose on the gray,
I’ve been kissed by a rose on the gray.
If I should fall along the way.
I’ve been kissed by a rose on the gray.

There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say.
You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain.
To me you’re like a growing addiction that I can’t deny, yeah.
Won’t you tell me is that healthy, baby.

But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large
And the light that you shine can be seen.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.
Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah.
Now that your rose is in bloom,
A light hits the gloom
On the gray.

Yes, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.
Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah.
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom
On the gray

Now that your rose is in bloom,
A light hits the gloom
On the gray.

You can also click on the bottom and you will be at YouTube to hear.

Miss Drake


Summer flowers — I’ve not got many this year as I had no help and after all don’t know much about flowers … this is my prettiest

All this does & will so derange the nerves — and so empty the pocketbook (partly from Austen’s Sanditon)

Friends,

A few summer pleasures amid this dark bleak (indeed hopeless) time. (After Trump and his rump re-invigorated the horrible puppy mills, they attacked long-distance trains: isolate and strand’em — all in each long day’s harm.) Read Tracy K Smith’s Watershed.

Each Saturday morning I go to Farmer’s Market. I’ve decided we will buy and eat less meat, and what I do buy will come from farms where the animals are given decent lives (before slaughtering). I will no longer participate in the horrific cruelties visited on farm animals in the US. I can’t do much but I can refrain from supporting evil in my eating habits. In our local marketplace, there are three different farm animal farms represented and I’m finding what kinds of cuts of chicken, pork, beef, they sell which Izzy and I can cook successfully and eat. I buy fresh vegetables I’m trying to get myself to learn to cook, and (soft) fruit. It’s a bright way to start each Saturday: the market goes on from 7-11 a.m. Farmer’s Market carries on all year long and if I can I will carry on buying meat this way, but much of the rest of the square become emptier. The crafts people I’m told remain, perhaps the breakfast people, but all others vanish by later November, to return in mid-April.

Two outings this past weekend: at the last minute, I bought tickets for my friend, Vivian, and me, to attend the Friday night Classics Album Live performance this year: their choice, Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Heart club band. I was attracted partly because a couple of weeks before I had watched a sterling hour lecture/documentary on just this album on my BBC iplayer, revealing just how original and rooted in musical traditions from as far away as India, and as close as local folk songs in Liverpool, with lyrics autobiographical and contemporary was this music. Last year I attended a remarkable 6 hour set of lectures on the career, history, individuals (you name) and music of the Beatles. So we went. I bought a picnic supper for us, which I was not myself able to eat much of — I’ve lost three more teeth, gentle reader, and after another week’s misery, in two week I shall pay an outrageous sum for 4 implants and a semi-permanent denture in my lower gum. For now it’s deeply uncomfortable for me with an ill-fitting denture and aching, sore gums. We had decided to go to cheer ourselves. My friend has had cancer, and chemotherapy treatments for the past 6-7 months; she appears to be going into remission and will know for sure in about the same two weeks.


Wolf Trap stage — cell phone photo

I brought wine and a pretty new blanket which I’ve acquired as part of my “Yoga” apparatus (a lot of mystic silly language goes along with this form of exercise intended to relax and rejuvenate the body somehow or other). The evening was not too hot. We had good talk and the performance was rousing. About 16 young people on the stage, with all sorts of instruments, for the first hour did a straight imitation of the songs and comments in the order presented in the famous music-changing 1967 album. They were not as good as the original Beatles of course: mostly they couldn’t do the poignant, and stumbled on witticisms, but all those numbers rhythm, belting it out loud, and sheer energy could put across, with plenty of heart, they did superbly. The second hour was made up of various Beatle songs, from their earliest to latest recordings: I had forgotten how many really superb numbers they did and in such a relatively short. By the end much of the audience was standing, swaying, clapping. Many older people remembering. One must mourn their break-up.

Saturday the same kind of last minute deal. Different plans fell through. Vivian and I were to go to an Aspergers adult meeting, but she was not up to it after all. I decided it was far too hot to reach where I go to swim. I put off my plans for Maudie, and will go with another friend, a new one, Panorea, to see this film, this coming Saturday (Angelica Art Festival theater) with lunch before and a snack out afterwards. Izzy decided against her plan and came out with me for dinner and a walk in Old Town. Buggsby, a pizza place appeared to have several wedding parties reserving the place, and we were thrown back to the more expensive Il Porto. But how I love that place. Quiet, tasteful and I had a meal I could eat: Lasagna, with ricotta rice, and soft vegetables in a lovely tomato sauce, washed down by Riesling wine. It was sunny and we walked by the Potomac amind the crowd. Street musicians everywhere.


Over the years Jim and I have been there for celebrations (Laura and Izzy’s graduations from high school), taken special friends’ visits — rare treats — and just gone of an evening or for lunch — it’s been there for over 40 years now

The second of the monthly summer Cinema Arts film club: a very great movie: Afterimage, how to take away someone’s existence (so relevant to what is happening in US federal gov’t today).

This too is not only in summer, but rather this summer: Our book for this summer on Trollope19thCStudies is Thomas Hardy’s Far from the Madding Crowd (there are four film adaptations), for Wwtta by myself I’m reading Woolf’s Between the Acts and with a friend, Woolf’s Short Fiction. Well quite unexpected I’ve discovered that Woolf’s fiction also encompasses deep affection, empathy for animals. “The Shooting Party” is startling. It is a pro-animal story: we have the viewpoint of one of these stifled women, Miss Antonia, indeed several are in the squire’s household as outside he and others destroy birds. All the imagery of the story moves between poignant aware descriptions of the agonies of animals, including those about to be eaten Other women at the table include Miss Rashleigh (a name I’m familiar with from DuMaurier). A mare dies on the road — beaten too often doubtless. I wondered what Flush is like. Voyage Out is post-colonialism, this is aware animal rights. It does make an implicit parallel between the stifled lady sewing and then waiting for the squire who we hear outside howling, cursing, things are being destroyed by falling off shelves. Knick-knacks include mermaids. A whole lashed forest is there. Woolf’s strong gerund style serves her well. It puts unnamed suffering birds and animals at the center with the terrified nervous Miss Antonia and wry Miss Rashleigh. Gaskell also has a strong parallel between a subjugated woman and other helpless beings in the sense that she feels for both from their point of view (“Lizzie Leigh”,”The Well of Pen Morpha”).

Gentle reader, it is dreadfully hot in the Washington DC area and the truth is summer pleasures for most include long hours indoors where life is enabled by air-conditioning. I’m watching The Crown on Netflix: reactionary in the extreme, it’s well-done (the film-makers remind us continually how the rest of the UK or the world is living) and presents a characterization of the young Elizabeth I can identity with: it’s not her, but a female archetype found in these mini-series, the self-contained woman feeling deeply what she has to do that’s wrong carries on more alone and quiet (a la Anne Elliot) than is realized. Claire Foy manages to communicate intensities of nuance in a role where most of the time she behaves with exquisite self-control. She is seen again and again from a distance walking away on her own


Here she is separating her sister from Townsend after having promised she would not, about which no one but herself (and Margaret and Townsend) appears really to care (I stress this is an idealization, but an appealing one)

Miss Drake


Vanessa Redgrave as Mrs Dalloway — the most hopeful image on the Net I saw all week — many thanks to Sixtine for this one

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold …

Friends,

Today was (according to the calendar in the US) father’s day: my father died in 1989; he was the most influential person in my life, with the considerable 45 year exception of Jim. Once I moved from NYC for years I would speak with him on the phone once a week for about an hour. My father’s face is clearly before me as I type this. Not from his young years or middle years, but the last ones. I cannot picture Jim on my own: yes, if I look at a photo, I recognize him but out of own brain I cannot see his face.

I’ve not written in so long because I wanted to convey some positive development, so have been gathering up (without intending to) a few cultural experiences I can recommend to others. The positive development (I hope) is that I’ve enrolled myself (and paid for) a Road Scholar trip this year and one for next. I say I hope because Sunday evening I had trouble reaching the place on the Net where I am to confirm my plane reservation, and this morning the Road Scholar representative on the phone said it’s not there yet probably because I just enrolled and give it to Wednesday; if not there then, call this number (Road Scholar Travel Service). A good friend had told me about a wondrous tour to the Hebrides organized by a Welsh company, but after their reply I decided the more thoroughly organized with Internet sites for email, phone calls and so on, would be Road Scholar. If I were going with a friend, let’s the better one. Looking at it, I think to myself Jim would have liked this. But he was an independent personality far more than I .So I put off Skye (which I have been longing to go to since I was 25 and read Johnson and Boswell’s twin books on their journey) for when I am more used to travel (I tell myself).

I had again tried the Road Scholar site and found that the chat people were infinitely more courteous, helpful, and did not pressure me at all. I began to feel comfortable, and after days of looking and email chats, went for my heart’s desire. Alas, I could book for the Lake District and Borders only as of August 2018 (which I had done before, but now with a down payment for a single), and turned to something in Cornwall or the Highlands. Cornwall was available only as of September and I start teaching by mid- to end September (so that must be put off for another time); most of the Highlands trips (three) were long and expensive or wai-tlisted (which I was told means “full up”) so I booked for new program: Scottish Highlands: A Stay at the Aigas Field Center. A magnificent place, beautiful landscape, the one spot suggests some depth.

I have been fascinated by Scottish wars and politics for years, beginning with my study of Anne Murray Halkett during the civil war and aftermath. There was room if I were willing to share a room. So I did. August 10-20th. On the site I was asked why I wanted to go there: I cited love of Scottish literature, from age 15 Robert Louis Stevenson. I didn’t cite my love of Scottish women poets and memoir writers, much less Margaret Oliphant. Nor how Outlander provoked my memories of the 1960s radical documentary, Culloden, or the extraordinary folk musical play, The Cheviot, the Stag, and the Black Black Oil (with a very young Bill Patterson as lead guitarist).


Aigas Field Center, Scotland

I should say this does not come out of income but savings, my mother’s money and it is not endless.

I am hoping to visit a friend who lives in NYC for 4-5 days in August. So that should take care of what otherwise would have been 6 weeks home alone (so desolate) in the dreadful heat of a DC-Virginia summer. And because Izzy wanted it so, she and I will go to this year’s JASNA at Huntington Beach for 5 days and nights in early October. I see the hotel has a pool so I’ll bring my suit and see if I can get to swim. She has a pretty Regency ball dress, shawl, and I know how to fix her hair in a bun (very Emily Dickinson, but never mind, no one will be that conscious of the differences between what women did with their long hair in the later 18th and 19th centuries).

I have found for the past couple of months, I can no longer sit in this house for days on end with no one for company. I have to change my habits: I missed entirely three Fridays at the OLLI at AU where they held Bloomsbury events (seeing The Dead, rehearsing and then reading parts of Ulysses aloud over a 6 hour period). I was lamenting how Jim and I went to a Bloomsbury reading which he found out about and read at, and when I googled to see if it was still going I found the event at OLLI at AU. And I could have been part of it. I tell myself I’ll do better next year. With such things do I torment myself. I got to the point one day where I told myself I cannot undo the past 40 years which have left me so without groups I belong in outside institutions (I had no job where I was connected with others, Jim was so reclusive and so was I with him); but this had the salutary function of reminding me how happy I was with him, and that I would not want to undo any of the 40 years were he here still. It’s habit. There was no excuse as it was told about and more than once (if briefly) on the OLLI website. I had to click and didn’t. Closed my mind. I am not keen on Ulysses I said to myself. What a fool, what does that matter?

What have I seen and done: one weekend Izzy and I went to the Kennedy Center on a Saturday night to listen to a magnificent symphony, and the next day to the American Collects 18th century French Painting at the National Gallery. That night on the terrace the evening was a real pleasure. The next day, we found ourselves in a mammoth exhibit, many rooms of ancien regime art. While there were some powerful, great paintings and sculptures, and drawings, not to omit exhibits of landscape and gardening art, the interest of the collection was not in the pieces themselves — many of which thematically and artistically considered are dreadful. It was the identification of the super-rich of American with these people without fear of reprisal, of anything resembling a guillotine. Cited continually also were a group of influential galleries (a couple central to what was bought and displayed) and art connoisseurs. Amusing (if you have a thorough sense of humor) were photographs of NYC elite in 18th century costumes – off to balls. Izzy and I spent a couple of hours viewing this historically significant exhibit. I took by my cell phone camera a number of pictures I’d never seen before (“released” from private collections just for this exhibit one was told).


Utterly typical allegory for this type of collector: the improving patriotic myth …

Other live performances: last night I went to a delightful production in Arlington of Christopher Durang’s Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike, a comic send-up and tribute to Chekhov’s plays and other Russian texts (not just Three Sisters, Uncle Vanya, the Seagull, Tolstoy, not to omit renditions in American cinema of memories of Russian stories, one where Maggie Smith comes out in a tiara and sequins) — as I’ve said there are three good theater companies! Creative Cauldron, the Avant Bard group at Gunston (previously Washington Shakespeare Company) and the Providence Players of Fairfax, located mostly in the James Lee Community Center. My one (relatively new) friend, Phyllis, told me about it and we went together. Last year we saw in the same place a quietly poignant Almost Maine by John Cariani. What’s remarkable about this group is they are not content to re-do warhorse famous plays conventionally (very common) but take lesser known contemporary plays and do them originally. Almost Maine had a beautiful set. Durang’s play features extravagantly self-revealing soliloquies on stage by the major characters (when others are present too). It was exhilaratingly depressing. The ending was an imposed temporary happiness between the central brother and two sisters of the play’s nuclear family; it worked because good and charitable feelings were present throughout.

I go to the gym twice a week; one evening I’m taking yoga! would you believe? I’ve joined a monthly book club at the JCC (Peace is like a River is the first book I’ve encountered). Long range: I joined the Gaskell Society: their AGM looks like I might enjoy it.

As to my projects, I plug away and am reading a third of Graham’s remarkable non-Poldark fiction, Marni, Berry’s Portrait of Cornwell (though soon I will switch to books recommended on the Highlands). I have found some excellent books on Cornwall, books whose tone is strengthening because their historical outlook so wide: such a book is The History of Cornwall by F. E. Halliday. I discovered my proposal for a revision on the paper version I read aloud in the Charlotte Smith conference at Chawton Library was actually accepted back in April! it’s due September 30th so here I am driving myself again. I am rereading the book in a more genuine way than I’ve done in a long time, and wish there was a good affordable scholarly edition at a reasonable price.

Again, I have to change this habit of not looking carefully to see what’s happening — on the OLLI at AU as central staging for this year’s Bloomsbury readings, I just turned away from clicking, all the while in mourning over how Jim got to read but one year, time at a DC Irish bar, ending in a community-private barbecue. Instead I spent the long day alone re-reading Ethelinde, going to dentist, allowing cleaning maids to clean house — the week before had been a rehearsal, and the week before that a viewing of Huston’s film, The Dead. It was on the afternoon of the 16th by googling I read a description and could not reach it again. Well I won’t put anything aside for yet another book project I might not be able to finish. Just plug away at it more slowly.

I think about the one full-time job I was offered at LaGuardia and didn’t take lest I not finish my disseration. Why did I not see I could do it later? Why did I not see the job was the most important thing to get then? Other jobs I retreated from, other opportunities to be an editor on-line — that one I put down to fear and anxiety I would not be able to cope and make a fool out of myself. Yes I would not be paid but so what? Yes I’d be more online, but with others. I have to be braver and not be led by anxiety which when I obey just gets reinforced. Should I have tried that 10 hour car trip to Plattsburgh? by the time it came round, I had gotten myself into a such a state, it was beyond me. I have to stop that somehow or other. I am following a Future Learn course on Depression, Anxiety and CBT and think it is helping. Better than anti-depressant pills: very low points this two weeks, I took two different ones two weeks apart and both times became very ill, either traumatized and in a trance but still feeling anxiety and so on, or downright sick, nauseous, terrible taste in my mouth and other very unpleasant execretory symptoms. It’s what the US does: psychiatrists are there to give you pills; and therapists to urge conventional behaviors (I do have a more intelligent one this time, even shows sympathy). The second one may have made my acid reflux disease much worse.


Pete Singer

I’m taking a live, face-to-face course too — OLLI at AU has come alive this summer. An animal rights person, Edward Engebretsen. I began by attending a lecture in May given by Wayne Pacelle, who turns out to be the head of the Humane Society of the US. Probably the most important statement Pacelle made was transparency and regulation are needed to stop cruelty to animals; when you have these, the normalizing of routine great cruelty (especially to farm animals) stops. He named 5 freedoms that animals need to live a fulfilled life. He likened the position of animals to that of refugees, and said matters are complicated: zoos are a place where animals are imprisoned as exhibits; at the same time they can function as a place for rescuing animals.


John Berger

Thus far from the reading materials Engebretson’s given out and his lectures: it was in the 19th century that for modern western society animals receded from visibility for most people. He gave a history of depictions of animals in myth and philosophy from Homer to the 21st century. That sentimental depictions of animals (they are made cute) morphs quickly into displays of cruelty. How do we think about animals? first people experience anxiety around their identities; animals are part of our fantasy life. Someone’s fantasy is the cage in which we are imprisoned. We are distinctly connected to non-human animals in multiple ways. There are three relational positions: dominion, subordination, commodity (using someone). Power relationships govern our lives. In the west we are driven by a human-centered morality. As in the first session, he used a poem by Robert Frost, so now he went through a series of philosophers from Aristotle (there is a continuum between non-human and human animals) to Voltaire (a paragraph about a dog seeking a master because the dog so loves the master, and is then cut to bits for a vivisection when sold. Bentham: the question is not whether they can talk but that they suffer. This time a series of dates from the first legislation in later 18th century US where a bill called for civil rights for animals to early 19th century where the first animal protection act was passed.


Judi Dench and Lisa Dillon as Matty and Mary Smith (narrator of tales)

Much happy reading of Gaskell, yes. Cousin Phillis, Cranford, re-watching Cranford Chronicles late at night (Judi Dench as Matty helps). I have seen two great Daphne DuMaurier film adaptations: late at night by Netflix streaming (which I conquered at last, bought), the 2014 Jamaica Inn, scripted by Emma Frost, featuring Jessica Brown Findlay, and at the Cinema Art Theatre the 2017 My Cousin Rachel, scripted by Roger Michell (who’s done a number of Austen adaptations), featuring Rachel Weisz as Rebecca (she’s dressed to recall Olivia de Haviland in the first film adaptation where Richard Burton was the hero-villain-fool, a Hitchcock concoction). I’ll write about them on Austen reveries.

But how to change because I cannot bear this life without Jim. So that’s where I am. I miss Garrison Keillor on the radio. My largest regret is not having allowed Jim to move us to NYC no matter what the sacrifice in books. I didn’t because I worried for Izzy in college, where would she sleep, the apartments seemed so small, one hardly with windows. If I could go to Shakespeare in the Park, be a little cooler, in a culture I recognize at least parts of, it would help. At a minimum I loathe this enervating heat.

Miss Drake