Jason Brown caught in one upswing moment — a remarkable skate-dancer (see Yvette’s account of the Ice-skating week)
Dear friends and readers,
I thought I’d let my friends and those who read my blog know that Yvette and I arrived home safely in good time — mid-afternoon. Unlike our voyage out (a 10 hour wait for a working plane, brutal cold as we waited for a cab at 2 am in Boston while a woman cherry-picked people to go in groups into each cab, was part of this), our journey back occurred on schedule. Good thing or my drivers’ license might soon be suspended. Yvette dove into our mail sooner than I had the courage to, and found a notice from the DMV saying that the papers I’d sent them by priority mail were unacceptable. This arrived on January 7th, so when they averred I had to add information by January 16th, it was not unreasonable. Only I was away.
Well seeing this letter, I got to work. Two hours of harried phoning and emails with a doctor, and tomorrow I am to meet with an insurance man by 9:30 am (if he does send a shuttle bus for me as I’ve no car) and get a rental car (while my license is not yet suspended), which car will enable me to drive to the doctor who has promised to add the necessary information. Some of it pickayune: they are looking for ways to stop me driving. The doctor did not write down on the form the date of the accident; he also did not explicitly say that the accident was not the result of a medical condition. Luckily I have xeroxes of the forms and he can add to these.
More ominously for those who think their medical records are private: I discovered before I left and now again, that although what you might say to a psychiatrist is sancrosanct and protected from investigation, not your prescription record. Any agency it seems can get into this: in August I was prescribed a strong anxiety medicine when I was dealing with the first onslaught of knowing Jim would die and his rage at this. The DMV was able to see the prescription and wants to know why it was prescribed (that they were not able to see but demand now to know) and if it was discontinued and when. I took but one pill and since it’s just one bottle there is no discontinuation. My primary care person has to write a sentence explaining and perhaps himself discontinue the medication.
Lesson: don’t just accept prescription drugs on the off-chance you might use them — which is what I did, for in the event I never used this drug for severe anxiety, or any other drug this drug-happy psychiatrist prescribed. He is one of those who agenda is to give out drugs, and I have accepted from him other drugs twice and tried them for one or two nights and stopped when I found myself groggy, miserable, dulled. He prescribed a sleep medication which is dangerous — better take the over-the-counter melantonin, in small doses.
So another harrowing day. I have to rely on a doctor’s nurse to fax this addition to the DMV and hope it gets there. Obviously this is like the added-on obstacles to abortion, to prevent me from driving even though the report was such — and my driving record (34 years of not one accident and 2 tickets, both about illegal turns) — that they are not talking about revocation of license, just supension.
Let’s say I manage this — and I am genuinely afraid I will not — then I have to buy a car. It’s an ordeal in this area to get to a cleaner’s with your cleaning without a car. I did look at a buying service and there are these pretty photos of cars that look nice. But how do I get there? with my rental car I suppose. I cannot negotiate; beyond me, and so though my two financial advisors and others have said buy it on time, I would probably just turn over the money I get from the insurance to buy a new used one outright.
Meryl Davis and Charlie White — a much favored and strongly graceful pair — Yvette expressed intense satisfaction in being able to enjoy them right before her
On our week away I believe Yvette got to see what she meant to: from Monday mid-morning on and off for many hours a day she watched ice-skating by people at various levels of proficiency and age, doing different kinds of feats. She ran the gamut from young novices (12 years old) to championship Olympic level 20 year olds. She was thrilled to be in the building with many of the stars whose books she had read and skating watched for years. For me I discovered that I was not a devoted fan, and that 12 hours a day was too much of a good thing. I found myself with a runny burning nose, hacking cough by Wednesday (the streets were arctic and the skating rink has cool misty air pumped into it for the sake of the ice). I did enjoy some of the skating very much: ballroom dancing type in the convention center (not championship, probably not top skaters necessarily) was very touching and I kept wishing instead of the latest in movie music, the couples had chosen more Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers music. I enjoyed the pair dancing, which is differentiated from ice-dancing by its having leaps and all sorts of these virtuosi techiques which attract attention and applause; and I liked the championship ice-dancing towards the end. The last night, men’s championship (Jason Brown, Jerome Abbot) and gala (one Gracie Grace I think her name was doing a Fosse number).
Ian coming out of hiding after hours and hours alone
But going away may not be for me any more, at least not now. I felt very bad about the cats: Yvette bought our tickets way back last April before the Admiral was even diagnosed. So we never imagined they’d be alone for hours and hours — Caroline and her friend, Marni, were splendid in visiting, feeding, playing with them for as much as a couple of hours at a time but that this was frightening was obvious from their forlorn presences in the early photos of the week. Just now Clary is clinging firmly into my lap and Ian is ensconced on the grey pillow behind this Macbook Pro.
Clary adjusted quicker — she came out to eat and supervise the changing of her litter and eventually to play and cuddle quickly
I was never much of a traveler and only in later years could I reconcile myself to being away as long as it was not for too long a stretch. I also discovered that I made a bad goof which worried me: in my efforts to protect the data on this Macbook Pro while I was away, I turned the power strip off and meant to turn the computer off. Well I did turn the power strip off but not the computer so the effect was to drain the battery. Fortunate that I don’t know that this because my ignorance made me question Caroline in an email about this, and discover my idiotic counterproductive proceeding. Marni did tell me in one of her emails not to worry as the power strip had been turned back on, and Caroline said she re-charged the battery yesterday, but it was another experience of harrowed worrying.
My mind feels worn; I probably lost more weight. Much of the food we came across was to me inedible: inside the stadiums (where there was of course no re-entry and no food and drink to be brought in) there was ill-tasting junk food at extortionate prices (some of it didn’t resemble food to my eyes); in the restaurants except on a couple of occasions heaps of luxuriously over-prepared food far too much for me to eat; sometimes I just couldn’t get myself to swallow any of the over-prepared be-sauced pastas. I discovered you could buy 3 ounces of wine in the lobby of the hotel; there was one TV turned to New Hampshire public TV and I watched it on occasion (I could not figure out what was on my TV upstairs as there was no schedule anywhere at all). They also didn’t do a bad cup of clam chowder. I drank Starbucks coffee most mornings and ate half a stale croissant.
What lies ahead? If I can offset this new threat of suspension, I should take all three apple products to some apple store (Macbook pro, Ipad and Iphone) as they have inconsistent Apple IDs and the ipad (for most things) and Iphone (if I want to use Itunes or other of the neat Apps) keep bothering me to reset my password — which I know from previous experience might lock me out of the Macbook Pro so I dare not. I worry if I disconnect the Macbook Pro though I will not be able to reconnect it. It only takes the littlest deviation to make things not work properly.
I’m supposed to get a windows machine which has a large monitor and Windows 7 and will have FileZilla and notepad +- which will enable me again to reach the website the Admiral created — but to tell the truth about this which will cost me much money — I fear I won’t be able to operate it without much help. My learning curve each time is achingly steep.
I have books to review, the syllabus I sent the Georgetown man to fix, books to read with friends on Trollope19thStudies, a couple of blogs I’d like to do. I would like again to blog one episode at a time about Downton Abbey precisely because I’m gathering many of its cult fans are dissing it for its seriousness. But it’s hard to settle down to a peaceful routine — which is what I ever worked out of — when I am so harassed and harrowed.
I have asked myself what are the worse things about being alive without the Admiral. Can I list them? As I try to delineate detail, it comes down to the atmosphere in which all has been conducted since the day my computer crashed in November. Since then I have been confronted continuously with far more than I foresaw would or could come to pass without him. And what I foresaw was formidable enough.
I want to write out a routs and follow it but how can I when tomorrow I must rush out for meetings, get forms faxed (I don’t know how to fax anything myself I should say) if the doctor will do it (what will he say about this prescription which he did not prescribe himself), and then worry again. I do say be careful about what prescriptions you accept as they can be researched.
When and how will all this end?
Sylvia
Under the Sign of Sylvia II 
Ellen, all these problems at the same time are a nightmare and much more. I think that when you say ‘I want to write out a routs and follow it’ it may be better to retitle it a ‘to do list’ and tick items if and when you do them. It is not always possible to do things sequentially when chaos is breaking out, but lessening the amount of things to do is always satisfying. Even if it is only a small thing that gets ticked each day. And please put some good things/things for you on it too. When I am faced with something difficult to understand like a new app or new piece of technology I make an ‘idiots guide’ in large print and adhere to it until I am sure I won’t forget the ‘routine’ of doing it. Others [especially younger ones!] may scoff but if works for me I am happy! At our advanced age we need all the ‘prompts’ we can get. I want to say to you ‘This too will pass’ but that is not much comfort at the moment so will instead say that you in the thoughts of so many people. Love, Gwyn xxx
My life, Gwyn, since Jim’s cancer metatasized into his liver has been an on-and-off nightmare. More often on than off. I keep telling myself I write start to write blogs on the cancer epidemic: when I do I will talk as much about the emotional, physical, financial social agons of those involved as well as the sheer physical torment, excruciating pain (I saw it) and ordeal/agon of death of the central victim — surrounded by medical personnel who care only for their jobs and reputation.
I talk to such remaining people every day of my life it seems. Meet new ones all the time.
The way I handle how to do things on a computer is I write out every single step I’m supposed to do on a 3 by 5 index card. The trouble is I have no good way of organizing the cards and have a stack by now. Also it’s rare someone realizes all the steps they take so really for this to be effective someone has to sit with me in my house or whereever the computer is at and I go through watching the person. Often they go much faster than they realize and they leave out mentioning steps, steps which must be taken but I don’t intuitively do at all.
I think I lose weight by the minute.
I worry lest the nurse who is to fax the document want me to go away and she do it in her own good time. That won’t do. I must see her fax the document or try to send it priority mail myself.
No wonder people hate gov’t bureaucrats: when you are at our level, this is how they treat you — with utter indifference and injustice.
Dear Ellen, you have way too much on your shoulders now, but I worry most about your weight loss. I can’t speak for you, but I find that if I can’t keep food down, I can’t function in any other area of my life. (When I have difficulty, I focus on softer foods.) Please take good care of yourself. Warmly, Caroline
Good to hear from you. I just loved Longbourne: read it one and one-half times; it absorbed me and got me through (the way Wax’s While Watching Downton Abbey did, only Baker is so much more humane, wiser, better, knows so much more about the world’s political order & history).
I’m doing better on the food front — and comfort too (as pussycat is now again on my lap as I type). My personal concoction for cereal for breakfast and tomato soup (with milk) for lunch. The food at such an event was just awful — the the middling sort of too expensive restaurant just as bad in a different way.
I may not go to Williamsburg now. I’m feeling a need of rest and quiet.
Ellen,
You are coping, admirably I would say, with a tremendous amount, and I would be worried were you not feeling distressed, as that is a sane response to a current stressful time. A great relief will come when the license is renewed and the car purchased. It’s like having to climb a mountain. You will get to the top. I do feel the pain for you of the increasing bureaucratic system we all have to cope with.
Ellen, you did well away, even though it wasn’t a totally pleasant experience. Just be firm with the doctor and ensure you get the form filled out satisfactorally. These hoops we have to go through are because the employees of many government departments, in most countries, have very little leeway and have to dot all the Is and all the Ts or their managers are on their backs. I am convinced that then they get all the info, you will not have a problem.
The doctor faxed the answers in a letter: he did the faxing himself. He showed me where on the form he had put the date, and where he indicated (to be fair, the barest comment) there was no medical condition associated. He said there was nowhere else on the form to put them and in his letter pointed out he had filled out the date.
That there was a date there suggests to me they were looking for something to suspend the license. However, now they have a full signed faxed letter and then I made copies and sent the copies by priority mail too.
This morning I had reached the psychiatrist by a Kaiser email system, and he discontinued the medicine so the primary care guy gave the reason for the prescription (Jim dying, my anxiety) and date of discontinuance. (I however agreed to one more meeting; then no more because these records are not safe.)
According to the DMV letter there is nothing else wrong so unless they start to say he had to write his letter on the form (there is no place), they should leave me alone now.
My statement was long and typed and there was no place for it on the form; I wrote it on the advice of Wiltz.
I do have a Prius rental car now — bright red — so I did my shopping.
I am exhausted after all this — emotionally too so will try to relax tonight. If I could find some peace, I would start some project, have a plan, routine, but I seem not to be at peace in the morning.
Ellen, you are doing well honestly. It took me a year to concentrate, start new projects and get back to reading at my usual pace. Try not to stress or be hard on yourself. We all love you and are cheering you on to come through this hard time. I’m convinced you will. Just eat well, get enough sleep and a little exercise and finally you will come through all this. Glad all the paperwork is getting sorted.
Clare
Hang in there, Ellen. This too will pass. Anyone who knows what you went through with the Admiral will understand why you had those prescriptions and the record shows that you didn’t have them fulfilled. Let’s just hope the people you deal with are humane and have common sense. Prayers continue. I’m glad you were able to get away for a while.
Tyler