A fierce battle to capture Morpheus; I win the first round

Morpheus

Oh sleep! it is a [blessed] thing, Beloved from pole to pole! — Coleridge, Ancient Mariner as I have ever misremembered it

Dear friends and readers,

If the incessant appearance on American TV of advertisements for medicine to guarantee the viewer some sleep are any indication, my problems with sleep since I’ve been about 17 are common. Last night on DemocracyNow.org Amy Goodman had several panelists talk about how the US drug companies exploit our competitive unforgiving social environments, with their relentless pace, to sell all sorts of risky drugs aimed at the brain and central nervous system.

So this story is not unusual; what is unusual is telling.

The video of what happened on Dec 16th (folks there are videos everywhere) showed I was driving very slow and cautious. Thus I do not have a citation for reckless driving but “failing to pay full attention” and it may be I won’t have to go to a magistrate’s court but just pay $100 nor have my license revoked or put limitations on when I am allowed to drive, but this latter could happen were I to go to a magistrate’s court. What happened was I simply lost consciousness, fell asleep without warning. A bus was to the side of the lane I was driving towards and losing control of the wheel I rammed into it, the car hit a curve, slowly it twisted and turned (it was clear the driver was doing nothing), it flipped and came to rest after a spin near a parked car.

The police officer who visited me the afternoon of the 17th was wonderfully kind and tactful: that I am white, older, was at the accident keening and rocking and saying how sorry I was (I was), and since Caroline was there it quickly came out the Admiral had died recently, I have not had to deal with harsh reproach. All I did was hurt myself and destroyed my own beautiful expensive ($25,000 is a lot) lifeline car.

Clearly this cannot go on. In this suburb places it takes me 20 minutes to get too would take 2 hours by public transportation. Many I cannot reach without a car. In NYC I did not learn to drive until I was 29. Never needed it until then when I got a job at Queens College to teach and learned it took me 2 hours and more to get there by public transportation, 20 minutes by car and there was a free parking lot at Queens.

Sleeplessness became bad when the Admiral was dying and since. Nowadays I’ve been sleeping 3 hours; up for 4 or even 5, sleep 2 maybe 3

It’s true I had endured a day of bad stress and too much driving and running about, without a break, the worst of it when I tried to deliver that Xmas present and was driven wild finding the place, exhausted by this effort. This was much worse than the 1 and 1/2 hour grief support psychological session with Cheryl; though that was draining, I emerged feeling better, having now some powerful explanatory ideas that seemed to me to accurately characterize the sources of distress in my continual situation.

If the Admiral had been here he would have taken half the driving. He would not have let me drive into Arlington and all around its maze of streets on a half wild goose chase, knowing how this would pose a heavy burden on my space-geographical disability.

I need to drive even to live a minimally comfortable life in this area.

So last night I fought the first of what will be continuing series of battles with Morpheus, no friend of mine. A night’s sleep. After supper I resolutely did not go to a comfy chair in my living room where I so wanted to read.

Instead I went into my room, sat on my swivle wood chair and tried to watch Amy Goodman who usually keeps me up (indignant, learning about what I didn’t know before, fresh humane perspectives); but still I drowsed again and again, just not quite sleeping, and but somehow got past the dangerous time (between 8 and 9:30) and was watching alertly by near 10:00 pm. I found and watched an interview on podcast from PBS reports where Rebecca Eaton was pushing her book: she talked at length of her long career as an executive producer of costume dramas made by the UK (excellent actors, scripts, adequate budget) with injections of money from WBGH, PBS in NYC and elsewhere. The subject interested me.

So then I went into the living room and sat on the piano stool — very uncomfortable and played Downton Abbey (using the multi-purpose multi-system player sent up for me by my kind gentleman-friend). Most of the time I don’t fall asleep on Downton Abbey. I did marvel at how much more I could literally see by watching it on this wide screen for the first time.

It’s well past 11 so I go to bed and try to read. I didn’t manage much of Wilson’s The Victorians (alas), but told myself 11:30 was okay to try to sleep for the night!. I slept for 1 hour and was wide awake. Hopeless. Morpheus had abandoned me. No Admiral sleeping peacefull next to me (always soothing to see).

I took a Melantonin. It had no effect So I took a restoril – I have so few of these very strong sleeping pills left over from when Dr Villafuerte (of blest memory) used to give me my own bottles of what I needed discreetly. Nevertheless, an hour later I’m still up. I don’t want to exhaust myself by reading for 5 hours. That way lies more auto accidents. One is enough.

I call the urgent number at Kaiser “behavioral health” (how I hate that term) and luckily got a kind woman who listened. She said falling asleep at the wheel is common! My idea to recite something aloud to keep myself awake won’t help; I could drop off. I must call the general line in the morning. I bought a drowse alert device which is developed for older people to help them stay awake.

Th gatekeepes would only send me to the psychiatrist, Hernandez, this guy’s voice mail. No one was abrasive (the usual mode once uo-pon a time on these phones) but no one would listen or take a message or help. They just press a button and voila you are at voice mail. So much for you.

What level of hell shall we assign them to, gentle reader. Get out your Dante.

I left a message and then I wrote one on the inflexible site at his mailbox. Have I told you this man is there to put people on continuous strong pharmaceutic drugs? This Kaiser guy prefers to drug people (preferably with cheaper line types) into general dull states as a general solution to all difficulties. He is all smiles and stares hard at me, but was (an example) astonished it seems anyone could not believe in God; I fear if he calls, it’ll be I must get to him (a long drive) and then I’ll get as young people would put it jackshit pills from him.

I terrified this will happen again. Night time I can no longer see the lines in the roads clearly. I try not to drive at night.

I need to drive even to live a minimally comfortable life in this area.

I need someone who really cares about me to help me. Pills may aid me in my battle for the next few months to get back to what I was with the Admiral lying next to me.

Sylvia