Harrowing

The Hospital World I

Harrowing yesterday was harrowing
In truth the whole thing has been harrowing
People talk of prayer
When there is nothing there.
      just space

As the day progressed he grew worse
He was having trouble breathing to have breathe
He had to work to breathe
So frail his inert body too heavy
      for him

Terror he used the word terror
He does not use words lightly
Earlier he had complained about the clichés
Everybody here talks in clichés
He ought to make a list

“Each day has its ups and downs”
He finds the relentless cheerleading a bit much
In truth the cheerleading had stopped
when a C-scan was ordered. “Go home, hon,” he said
      “go home”

Oh (breathless wordless) — that word takes up
      too little space —
I wanted to cry out something but what?
“We’d better go home,” Laura said
“He wants us to go.” She stood up
      sensible resolute

A universe where words are kept down
      under strict control
When I had come near him close up
His skin seemed so dry
Tiny black spots like dirt on grainy dry sweated skin
like tight sandpaper

Courage here means walking
All around the corridor a lap
      “Do the full circle”
But it will not save him
Praise for those who take away the pain, torment, fear

“Much afraid went over the river singing
though none knew what he sang”
I do not want him to go over that river
      singing or not.

*********************
Hospital World II

I am not the only visitor
People visit us
They come and go,
all smiles & clipboards

Who will pay for the cans of liquid food
When we get home
Two teach-in visits from a nurse
One phone call from nutritionist

(I’ll have to take good notes.)

Physical, occupational therapists
They take about 20 minutes
Then the session is over.
It’s a pretense.

Nothing can be done
by coming once, twice for 20 minutes.
A check on a clipboard
Sign.

But they smile too.
“You’ve got a window.”
“Sitting in sunlight.”
Yes he was, partly.

I go running myself
to make people appear.
The nurse assigned is
no good at machines.

He can’t do any of them.
“Does nothing work around here?”
he said. For once I don’t feel for this
he hurt the admiral
with his clumsy attempts.

I keep finding Dani
all cheer and competence.
She shows him how to
remove the central line right.
Another shows him how to
make the feed machine work.
Nurse practitioner finds
the breathe measuring machine.

Well what can they do?
“Good job” the reassuring cliché
They are within limits
Trying to save him.

*************

Now I know why people write verse. You can say in verse what you are not allowed to say across the page. Trying to find relief,

Sylvia